Wow I just noticed that it has been 2 months since I last blogged!
I just ran away and never looked back, I don't know why I was running but never the less I was in a full sprint.
So the past few months have been a whirlwind and I felt like I was on a train going no where. Slow and steady I'm trying to get "Me" back. I keep seeing that dam scale going up and up and mostly it is because I lost myself again and just didn't care. I want to care but some days I feel like I just want to feel the comfort of something familiar and food has always done that for me. It doesn't ask for anything back, it is just there and it feels good. Now I have to find something that gives me the comfort that food does. This doesn't have a thing to do with the relationship I'm in or finding another person to comfort me this is way beyond that so don't think for one second I want another person. I just want another feeling of being full and happy.
I was thinking back to the time when I was at my heaviest of 260lbs and I was trying to remember what was the trigger that made me want to lose weight and get fit. I remembered it was the feeling I got when after so many years being in a abusive relationship, I walked down the street feeling free. It was in that feeling when I realised I could walk down the street and not have to look at the time to make sure I wasn't late, I didn't have to make excuses where I was or who I talked too, I didn't have to look over my shoulder and make sure no one was going to slam into me and hurt me. I was free!
Freedom is a feeling that is so great I cant put it into words, if you have been in a abusive relationship you know all to well the feeling I'm talking about.
I have to figure out why I put myself into situations that will hurt me that way I don't turn to the comfort of my old friend food. I have to learn that I can not control others lack of caring or teach someone to love me, that is on them and has no reflection on the person I am. I feel to strong I love to strong and that is my weakness in life. I have to learn to say no, I have to learn to put me first once in a while. I have to learn to get my freedom back of being Shawn after all I need to love myself unconditionally and fully before I can be me fully.
So onto another journey, another search of why, how and what to doe's.
Am:
slice of bread w/peanut butter and cherry preserves
Mid day:
3 spring rolls and chop suey and rice noodles
Dinner:
bowl of chili and 1/2 cinnamon roll
