When you watched a show about weight loss and you seen the old person talking to the new person how great was that? The feeling of want and need to be is overwhelming I know but you seem not to take it to the next level? What is stopping you?
There are so many questions and I'm trying to find a way in my minds eye to figure out all these life changing questions. I just need to do it, I do!
I keep making up excuses and I keep letting time tick and not doing a dam thing about it. No one is to blame but myself. Some days I feel so defeated and I just feel like caring, I eat everything in sight. Then I go on a deprivation diet to counter act my bad days so on weigh in days I'm not doing to bad. Who the hell am I kidding??
Its like the person who I hear saying I don't know how I gained the weight, yes you do I want to shout! You eat to much!! Yes I agree family history plays a big roll in a persons weight but it does not define who you are going to be, you CAN control what goes in your mouth. It is a matter, in my head, is the "want".
As of today it is hard for me to want, its easier just to eat what ever and with so many things not easy in my life this is the one thing that is easy, eating.
Oh how I love the feeling of being full it ranks right up there with a good love story. The feeling like they lived happily ever after dying in each others arms at the same time of feeling. The story is complete.
Then you wake up and find out it was all a big dream, a big lie all made up to make you feel good. Just like when you wake up and realize as you step on the scale and see what all the "I love being full" gets you!
If I was able to talk to my healthy self I would ask her to please take over my unhealthy self. I feel trapped in this world of loathing and craziness. I want the freedom to be.
So will I make it I don't know but I want to believe I will, another year is fading away and another years wishes vanished with broken promises. So onto a new year I hope for change, change in me I can see not only on the outside but on the inside as well.
