Turn another page

I come to a time in my life where I need to turn the page. I need to get moving on with life instead of staying in the world of self pity and boo hooing my days away.
I need to surround myself with uplifting people that will encourage, not discourage.
I have always tried to be a person who really listens, I'm some what of a energy feeler. I'm talking about the energy you bring into a room, I feel all of it. Some days it makes me want to go out of my skin because I'm like come on people is it really that hard to be nice?
Well back to my want for the page to turn. I need to for me and me alone, I keep hanging on these pounds for so many reasons, it wasn't until today when I had a moment reading a friends blog I understood why I hang on to this weight.
 I sabotage my weight loss goals as well as my goal to live a compassionate life, in order to make other people around me comfortable with themselves. In turn, my light dims, and I succumb to the brownies with ice cream.
So I'm going to try to really see what I put in my mouth and why? Am I hungry, excited, overwhelmed? So onto  better days of putting me first, after all without a good me how can I be good to others?
Peace out my cyber make believe friends lol

To think or not to think...I'm over it...

When did I lose mine?

I feel some days I just don't have the strength to learn or listen. I just hate those days! Ive been so boo hooo these past few years, always have something negative to say. You know that's just not me and I'm learning why I was doing this. I was on the bandwagon to nowhere. A bandwagon filled with self pitty, one place I thought Id never be.
So off that subject I'm changing and all is good. Like the saying goes "Keep on keeping on"
I'm not looking forward to next week it is the end on my challenge and I think I loss? But I'm going to give it my all. I worked out more in the past 2 weeks than I have all year. I did notice the scale going up but it always does at the beginning of a heavy workout schedule. I'm going to work out daily till weigh in on the 2nd. Well I'm off to start my day, miss all my F.B. friends wish I could go back on but oh well I'm not going there again! Learned my lesson for sure, no more pain no more problems!!
See ya, who ever is out there in cyber world :/

Just another trial..

Today I have decided was my quit day. It has been OK so far and I'm halfway over my day ad I have only used 1 gum so far. I was told the other day that if you want to quit just quit. Its all in your head, at first I was pretty upset, I was like how dare you judge me, you have no clue what I have been through. It's hard to understand unless you have had an addiction. I've never felt this pull as I have from that dam cigg. I hate the control it has over me. I hate the fact I already miss it.
I want to wake up one day and not have the craving, the ever nagging feeling of want. I'm not sure whats worse, dieting or quiting cigarettes? I don't know which one I hate more?
So onto the rest of this crazy long day, I will let you know tomorrow how it goes!

Shake that A**!!

I sure love the Zumba!

It is hard to get up and go everyday, especially if you have issues with health. I cant name how many times I just didn't want to work out because I was scared. I'm scared to die of a heart or asthma attack. I get so scared to give it my all and it will be the last thing I do before I croak.

What I learned today, I cant live in fear. It will rob me of a active functional life.

 Today I turned up the music and did Zumba for a hour and guess what! I didn't die :)

So I just have to follow the lead of my body and know when to do my inhaler and take my meds on time, I'm in control its not in control. I gave this disease to many years of my life time to take it back!

Off to start a awesome weekend

Peace to you and yours!

One's cup of tea is another's cup of pooo!

Like my journey to weight-loss I also have a journey to a more compassionate life.

In this part of my life, this time in age it is so important to eat healthy, and have also mental health. We, I believe, can not, I repeat can not, have one without the other.

I catch myself people watching, I don't mean the simple looking out the window people watching, not the sit in the park people watching, (I do find that fun though), I'm talking about really studying people and there actions and the way they treat themselves and others. I find it interesting I can pin point a person's happiness in 5.2 seconds flat. The energy I feel from others is crazy! I have had this since I can remember. The senses in a person's body is incredibly amazing!

That said, I see the looks I get when I say, oh no thank you I don't want to eat meat. I see them look at me then I just cringe because I know whats coming next, a bunch of weird off the wall questions. I feel the energy around me get awkward and defensive in turn I get anxious and wish I could crawl under a rock.

What gives another person the right to dictate to you what you should and should not believe. It goes hand in hand with religion and other social so called the "RIGHT" things to do. Societies norm.

I'm not your so called normal gal, I just don't think it's in me. I was born destined to be different and guess what I'm OK with that! I'm happy to be me, love me or hate me that's your prerogative but never the less I will be me now, tomorrow, till the day I die.

That's just me, I want to live with happiness and compassion for others as well as myself. I want to spread the word that it is OK to be different. Your higher power knows who you are, the purpose in life is to find it and live it fully!

Peace be with you and yours tonight and the next time someone criticises you for being you tell them, with love, STICK IT WHERE THE SUN DON'T SHINE!

Time is ticking!

I have 22 days left til my challenge is over with my sister. It has been such a hard 10 weeks. I loss a few people, loss a few things but haven't loss to much weight.

 I tend to keep putting things in my mouth when I'm stressed. I just cant seem to gain control over it. I say so many times to others its in your mind! Well tell my mind that!

I feel some days what the heck I deserve a treat, what the heck the kids need a treat well if they have one so do I, what the heck I worked hard today I'm having what I want. Then weigh in day rolls around and again I'm angry with my self and disappointed that I have no control!

I have to come to terms with my mind issues, it is in my mind!

So today I really have to be aware of my triggers and write them down. I will post tomorrow my discovery. I know there are a lot of triggers, sometimes I find myself wanting a treat if I'm sitting watching my favorite show. I actually wont watch the show unless I have my treat on lap. Crazy isn't it? Well crazy is what you do and thats crazy!

Tonight is one of my favorite shows B.L. and yes I do eat while Im watching it, I know its a weight loss show, Im sure there is a ton of people who do. I know this for a fact because there are so many like me, mindless eaters watching a t.v. show, in hopes it will some how rub off them by some miracle, and we lose weight via the show. Well atleast thats what I amagine in my minds eye.

Well another morning down another day of choices. How will it pan out well turn into tomorrow to find out :)

Have a blessed and healthy day!

Wagon was I on one?

This day in age you would think people have freedom of choice. At least you would think?

I found myself slipping into the grips of others thoughts and actions. I wanted to be just like them.

 I don't want to feel like I don't have eyes on every move I make like I'm a alien or something.

 Does that make me a follower? I'm sure not a leader.

I have a way about me that likes to please others, I think this is the root to all my problems. Ive always helped others even if it meant I go without. I am a pleaser for sure.

Why is it so hard for me to put me first? I feel guilty? I feel less than? I feel unloved? I feel not worthy? Don't want to hurt other people's feelings? I don't want to shine to bright so others don't feel like they fade to black?

I can say honestly, I feel all those, and than some. I put others first because I hate to see the sadness, madness in their eyes.

So I went against what my soul was telling me and I became them, those who I detest and want to get away from, my demons are on my heals. I see their breathless attempts at play and there eyes so heavy with clown like smiles, a shell of what their mothers dreams was for them.

No not me I don't want to become what I'm running to, so how do I stop? Its me all me and no one or nothing can do this but me.

My goals for this coming week is to take a few hours a day and really reflect on myself and why I got to this place. Why do I let others ideals of life make me thin mine are not worthy, who are they to say they are right, whom am I to say I'm right? Lots to think about for sure.

I plan on blogging everyday and also reread all post and reflect on my writing.

On to a compassionate meat-free day!

Note to self

Well life got you derailed again Shawn! What happen 28 some odd days ago when you got all gun ho about this weight loss venture? Where did your "want" go?
When you watched a show about weight loss and you seen the old person talking to the new person how great was that? The feeling of want and need to be is overwhelming I know but you seem not to take it to the next level? What is stopping you?

There are so many questions and I'm trying to find a way in my minds eye to figure out all these life changing questions. I just need to do it, I do!
I keep making up excuses and I keep letting time tick and not doing a dam thing about it. No one is to blame but myself. Some days I feel so defeated and I just feel like caring, I eat everything in sight. Then I go on a deprivation diet to counter act my bad days so on weigh in days I'm not doing to bad. Who the hell am I kidding??
Its like the person who I hear saying I don't know how I gained the weight, yes you do I want to shout! You eat to much!! Yes I agree family history plays a big roll in a persons weight but it does not define who you are going to be, you CAN control what goes in your mouth. It is a matter, in my head, is the "want".
As of today it is hard for me to want, its easier just to eat what ever and with so many things not easy in my life this is the one thing that is easy, eating.
Oh how I love the feeling of being full it ranks right up there with a good love story. The feeling like they lived happily ever after dying in each others arms at the same time of feeling. The story is complete.
Then you wake up and find out it was all a big dream, a big lie all made up to make you feel good. Just like when you wake up and realize as you step on the scale and see what all the "I love being full" gets you!
If I was able to talk to my healthy self I would ask her to please take over my unhealthy self. I feel trapped in this world of loathing and craziness. I want the freedom to be.
So will I make it I don't know but I want to believe I will, another year is fading away and another years wishes vanished with broken promises. So onto a new year I hope for change, change in me I can see not only on the outside but on the inside as well.

Im back!

Wow I just noticed that it has been 2 months since I last blogged!
I just ran away and never looked back, I don't know why I was running but never the less I was in a full sprint.
So the past few months have been a whirlwind and I felt like I was on a train going no where. Slow and steady I'm trying to get "Me" back. I keep seeing that dam scale going up and up and mostly it is because I lost myself again and just didn't care. I want to care but some days I feel like I just want to feel the comfort of something familiar and food has always done that for me. It doesn't ask for anything back, it is just there and it feels good. Now I have to find something that gives me the comfort that food does. This doesn't have a thing to do with the relationship I'm in or finding another person to comfort me this is way beyond that so don't think for one second I want another person. I just want another feeling of being full and happy.
I was thinking back to the time when I was at my heaviest of 260lbs and I was trying to remember what was the trigger that made me want to lose weight and get fit. I remembered it was the feeling I got when after so many years being in a abusive relationship, I walked down the street feeling free. It was in that feeling when I realised I could walk down the street and not have to look at the time to make sure I wasn't late, I didn't have to make excuses where I was or who I talked too, I didn't have to look over my shoulder and make sure no one was going to slam into me and hurt me. I was free!
Freedom is a feeling that is so great I cant put it into words, if you have been in a abusive relationship you know all to well the feeling I'm talking about.
I have to figure out why I put myself into situations that will hurt me that way I don't turn to the comfort of my old friend food. I have to learn that I can not control others lack of caring or teach someone to love me, that is on them and has no reflection on the person I am. I feel to strong I love to strong and that is my weakness in life. I have to learn to say no, I have to learn to put me first once in a while. I have to learn to get my freedom back of being Shawn after all I need to love myself unconditionally and fully before I can be me fully.
So onto another journey, another search of why, how and what to doe's.

                                                                                                                   Today's food intake:
Am:
slice of bread w/peanut butter and cherry preserves
Mid day:
3 spring rolls and chop suey and rice noodles
Dinner:
bowl of chili and 1/2 cinnamon roll

Change comes to those who ....read the rest and you will find out

Change comes to those who make up their minds to make it a reality.

Yes it is in your power to change not only yourself but others. If you go out into the world or even sitting at your lap-top you can make a change in yours and others life.

My eyes are wide open and it has been life changing for me I have to say. I feel more, I want more, I need more. How did I change you ask? I started looking at everything and everyone around me with a different eye. Not as their wife, mother, sister, aunt, cousin, daughter, niece, friend, I looked at them through the eyes of a non-judgmental person.

 I asked myself why are they the way they are? I listen carefully to what they say and the actions they put out in the world everyday. Ive learned through this we are all the same, we want love, respect and need the comfort of loved ones. We feel hurt by others and if we don't have the tools to help overcome the pain from that its reflected in such acts that hurt others or themselves.

We are not meant to be people with no compassion for others be it human or animals alike. When we decide a person/animals life is less then our own we are making the judgment to be superior and the last Ive learned from reading and living is no one thing on this earth is superior than another. We were put on this earth to love and take care of each other.

I just keep praying everyday that by me living a life of compassion it will reflect outwards and make the lives of others compassionate.

If you by chance read this and wonder about compassionate eating and living please make a choice to go onto the www and explore, the information is endless and you, your family, this great earth we live on, animals, will love you for it!!

Peace Love Happiness

~SHAWN~

Evolve! or fade away...

We have a choice every minute of everyday to make. One be good to yourself, two don't give a crap!

Seems like everyday I evolve into something new. I try to read as much as I can everyday to inform myself. I'm an addict to self help books. I enjoy learning how to better help myself now the chore is to implement the lessons I have learned.

I read some where that if you do something so many times it becomes a habit. I have to say I really do believe that. When I became a vegan I really wanted to feel better about my weight. It was motivation enough for me to give up all foods I grew up on and loved. Months have passed and I'm feeling good about my decision about being vegan but I now have different purpose in being one.

I know I cant go save the world but you know what I can do my part in changing me and those around me. Information is every where about the effect we are doing not only to our bodies but the earth we claim to love so much. I'm amazed how when the blinders are on how ruthless people can be not only with themselves but with the animals we share this earth with. Makes me so sad for them and those it effects.

We as a whole can make a change but choose not to I'm dumb founded by this. Don't you want to be healthy? Don't you want to have a earth for your great grandchildren? They say life is but a whisper, so why think your whisper is any more important than the whispers of those to come?

Make a choice today to make small changes, even if you cant give meat up souly do it for a day it will save this:

7 FOOTBALL FIELDS A MINUTE OF AMAZON FOREST DESTROYED FOR GRAZING OF ANIMALS

FOR EVERY HAMBURGER EATEN 55 SQUARE FEET OF FOREST HAVE BEEN DESTROYED FOR EVER

2500 GALLONS OF WATER TO PROCESS 1 LB OF BEEF

80% OF OUR FRESH WATER IS TO WATER LIVE STOCK

55% OF THE EARTHS EROSION IS FROM LIVE STOCK

50% OF THE ANTIBIOTICS ARE USED ON LIVE STOCK

MORE THAN 1/2 OF TOP SOIL HAS BEEN LOSSED FOR EVER DUE TO LIVE STOCK

CANCER

DIABETES

HEART DISEASE

WATER POLLUTION FROM 120 TONS OF ANIMAL POO

THE LIST CAN GO ON ON ON ON AND ON

My point is that we need to start caring for ourselves our family and most of all our earth counts on us. If there is no earth there is no us!!

~Love Peace Happiness~
SHAWN

ref: Forks over Knives, The Kind Diet

My first video blog

                                Thanks for joining me on my journey!

Done done done...NOT!

My weigh-in was today and I'm up 2 lbs. I'm not concerned because I know what I did to gain that 2 lbs. I call it self sabotage, not caring about myself and having a bad attitude about weight loss in general. I was almost ready to say F-it but I knew that the person who suffers in the end is me. I'm worth fighting for and being good to.

Yesterday I woke up and I was very sad, to the point of crying at the drop of a hat. I was besides myself with grief, grief for loss and suffering. I couldn't think of anything but doom and gloom, so what did I do? I ate and ate and ate some more. It wasn't nothing big or nasty, I just grazed all day. I turned to the comfort I knew best, the comfort of food that doesn't talk back, that doesn't condemn me, that doesn't want a thing in return. I chose my old friend food. So many years I have called on this friend. The past it would have done the trick but as I stood on my scale for weigh-in this morning it was clear this friend is not a friend at all but a enemy to all that I'm trying to do for me.

So I say good bye old friend I will miss you but I don't need you anymore. I have a new friend and that is me. I will not hurt me anymore by putting in bad foods into my body. I will treasure myself because there is only one me. I will care for my outside as well as my insides because they reflect each other.

My goals for this coming week:

 

• make video blog
• eat whole foods
• dont skip breakfast
• take my vitamins daily
• go to bed before 11 every night

Im going to write in my blog more than 1 x per week, this will keep me accountable even if its to myself. I need to get on track if Im to meet my big goal by 12-31-11
So onto new and I hope exciting week
Peace Love Happiness ~SHAWN

 

Life is a journey

I had my weigh-in today and I'm down 2.2lbs.

Wish I could say I'm pleased but it doesn't feel like an accomplishment. I didn't complete my goals that I made for myself last week. The loss was from not eating properly. I had a few days I just didn't care to eat. Life is getting the better of me. I'm really trying hard to focus on getting healthy but every time I think I can I get side tracked from life.

Ive lived almost 40 years now you would think it would have taught me a few things? I was laying in bed last night, pondering why? Why do I let others make me feel so bad. I have spent a majority of my life pleasing others, worrying and always being careful to say just the right thing to them so I dont hurt thier feelings. Im always concerned with others even if I know it will hurt me in the end. Its time to understand they are who they are and there is nothing I can do to change them. I can change the way I let them effect me though.

 I go about my day every day and think of things I can do to help others or better myself. I'm starting to wonder does anyone else do this? Why is it so hard to be nice, is thinking about your self selfish or a thing that needs to happen in order to preserve your heart?

I choose to live being positive, I choose to think and speak positively. 

I have to put a end to it, the craziness of it all is to much to bare, Im not going to feed into the hurt anymore. Ive done what I can and Ive come to the conclusion it will never be enough. So its time to let go of what could have been what I wanted to be.

Life is to short to cry everyday, to be idle in the past, and forgiveness is a must. If I dont forgive I will carry this cross for the rest of my life. I forgive the people that robbed me of my childhood, I forgive the people who took my daughters childhood. I forgive the ones who spoke without knowing. I forgive the ones who have hurt me beyond repair. Im letting go of this pain Ive carried for so many years I give it back to those who created the misery. Im not your prisoner any more.

Im set free!!

So onto a new week, I'm not sure what it has in store for me but I know one thing, Im in control of my feelings, and I will not surrender to the pain.

Peace Love Happiness

~SHAWN~

To Breakfast or not to Breakfast that is the question???

I'm so baffled about breakfast, I just cant seem to like it. I try this dish that one simple ones complicated ones and I always come back to the same issue, I don't like to eat in the morning! I just hate it I don't feel like chewing and  I really don't like how my tummy feels when I eat in the morning. It usually takes me 4-5 hours after I wake to feel like I want to eat.
I went online and read so many ideas of what a person is suppose to do upon waking. The first is to make sure you have a good breakfast it will help your metabolism. Then I read that a person is suppose to eat only fruit till noon because that would help with the weight loss. Then I read a person say (some yogi) that you must not eat anything till noon so you then can break-fast and eat your first meal of the day, this is so your body rest and eases into eating for the day. Well do you get my issue now? I'm so confused! To eat or not to eat, what to eat and what not to eat now those are my questions!?
My body feels like its a no but from the majority of what I have read I'm thinking that I should force myself. They say if you do a task so many times it becomes habit. I need to make this a habit but now to get my tummy on board with it.
I wonder if more people have issues with this? I think so because man did I ever find a ton of info on the www! Never the less I'm still confused?  I'm going to try it for one month to have breakfast within half hour of waking. Ill let you know how it goes.
~Peace Shawn~

Mindless eating

This week my weight is the product of mindless eating.

I can make a ton of excuses, my life has been full of them the past dew weeks. I know what I have done and what I need to do but I just choose not to. Why? I'm trying my hardest to figure that question out, I ask myself on a daily basis why?! Why should I give it my all? Why do I care at all about how much I weigh? If I look deep inside I'm sure to find the answer, but it takes the "want" to be open enough to hear the answer.

I'm scared of change I know that much, I'm scared of how my body is looking losing the weight (skin is not being nice to me). I'm afraid I wont have my cushion of excuses to fall back on. There are so many reasons I keep this weight on. Now it is up to me to talk myself through this and become the person I want and need to be.

So onto a new week, what this week hold is all up to me.

My goals for this week:

• eat whole foods only
• dont eat out of bordom aka mindless eating
• eat breakfast daily
• walk 5 miles daily

I have a weakness for salt and sugar so I will do a detox this week, not looking forward to the headache but for my weightloss this will make a big difference.

Here I go,onto another week of wonder.....
~Shawn~

 

Spread thin..

Its been a while since my last blog. Ive really wanted to, there are many excuses why I didn't, but in the end it was just the feeling of who cares that prevented me from doing so.

I woke this morning flooded with the anxiety of all that is going on in my life. As I lay there and pondered over things I can not change. I can not change the way others show compassion, I can not change the fact they are oblivious to my feelings. I'm the one who let others side track me and take what Im not willing to give.

I have done this for far to long and Im just now opening my eyes to what I let happen. I give people the ability to pick and chose my days and my time. I let others feelings come before my own. It reflected this in my weight this week. Im up 1.4 lbs. Im not at all happy with that number. I did this though, I let others spread me thin and I did nothing to prevent this gain.

I have to start practicing what I preach. Ive told my girls tons of times. Dont let people hurt you,(even though I do), dont let others dictate your life(like I do), dont be afraid to ask for help (I need to ), be the best you can be and forget the rest ( words I need to listen to). I need to get a hold of my life and do what is best for me and my mental and physical well-being.

So on to another week, where will it take me? I know one thing, it will be where I want to go!

http://youtu.be/PmAglGdibYs

~PEACE~

Weight loss Jars

 

So here is my weight loss jars. I made one for the ounces I need to lose (below)  and the other for the ounces I have loss (above).

Each penny = 1 oz.

My sister came up with this fantastic idea, I hope by the visual of them on my kitchen counter will reset my habits I've formed in the kitchen.

So far I have 32 pennies in my weight loss jar, only 704 to go till my goal weight

Have a blessed day and remember “you’re the treat”

~SHAWN~

Open your eyes!!

This week was a dozy! It was full of eye opening events that has made me change my view permanently. One thing that really gave me clarity about my veganism is, reading everything and anything I can get my hands on. The most resent book Ive read, The Kind Diet,  was very interesting, though Ive heard a lot of the information the book has before it was written in a fun way. I enjoyed it and recommend it to others. It also has great recipes for all stages of going vegan.
So with all that said, I want to get back to the issue that has my mind going hundreds of miles a minute, the problem I have is why in the world don't people want to open their eyes?! You would think obesity,cancer,diabetes,heart disease, and all these ailments that could all be prevented or helped through food.?? I just don't understand this? But then again I had my eyes closed once too. I cant fault people who cant seem to get the blinders off. We get conditioned and addicted to all these chemical laden foods and wonder why we feel so bad. Then when a person comes and lets you know this information and the addict comes out in us. Ive seen this time and time again, sad!

The planet and our bodies our suffering all in the name of flesh, does this make any sense?  The world is in our hands, what are we going to do with it??

 So I'm going to try another approach, I will practice what I preach and Ill be the example that they will want to follow!
This week I'm 2.4lbs down. I'm doing this mind you all without dieting or any pangs of food restriction. My secret I only eat vegan foods that will be of benefit to my health. They are SO yummy!!!
So off to a new week and a new book, Ill let you know how it goes.

~SHAWN~

Weigh-in day

                    I added my ticker and I'm ready to rock and roll! I got up today wondering what I was going to do about this battle of the bulge. I know that is on so many of our minds everyday. I hate the word diet though, I wish to never say that on this blog. Living a healthy life doesn't have to be all about restriction and starving yourself. I never have proclaimed I wanted to be stick thin, I just want to be healthy. With this said on to my journey. 
I just found out from my Dr. I have a severe deficiency of Vitamin D.  This causes a whole host of problems I found out. Now I'm on a weekly dose of 50,000 units of vitamin D. I have to do this for 3 months and reevaluate blood work. I'm so happy with this discovery, it has been a bad year of feeling really sick and down. I'm hoping that within the next few weeks my body responds to this and I'm feeling like my old self.
I'm going to do all I can to inform myself on nutrition. With a vegan diet this is so crucial. I just didn't realize the importance of some of the vitamins found in foods. I always thought it was funny when people would say food is fuel for the machine called your body, I thought it was a bunch of health-nut-propaganda but I'm the fool here. They was right all this time. Here I thought I was doing my body a service by adhering to a strict vegan diet and all along I was going about it the wrong way.
I really want people to be informed of the potential risk of doing a vegan diet without knowledge. Yes we get all gun-ho about our animal rights but dont forget without a healthy us they dont have a chance. So the challenge for this vegan this week is to find out all I can about proper vegan nutrition. I will log what i find and my opinions on them.

~Shawn~